Tears On My Pillow..

I’m back at this place where I feel totally unimportant..

I cried my self to sleep last night and as I type I am still crying..

I’m trying to be fair, but how can I be fair when I don’t know where I stand?..

For the past two weeks.. I’ve basically been stood up by my own boyfriend, or even forgotten.. And I’m to a point that I don’t know what I’m suppose to do now.
I try, I really do try to sympathize because I know he work 5 days a week; 9-5, and from Friday to Sunday he has his athletic careerĀ  to deal with.. But before, he use to make time for me.. Make time for us..

Our phone conversation are not like what they use to be like.. Either we end up arguing about something, or they have to be cut short for some reason either on my end or on his end, and I’m tired. His car has all these different problems with it, and he is tryna to get them fixed so that nothing can hold him back, but everyday, there is a different problem and I can’t always deal with it.

I try to not be disappointed.. I try to not be angry or hurt by it.. But I’m only human.

And then my family is another thing.. Instead of being supportive of my feelings. They make snooty remarks and side comments to make me feel stupid..
And I do feel stupid..They never understand what I’m going through, they always pass judgement when it really isn’t necessary.

I just sit in my room or on my porch and wait for him, to just show up..
I call, and he doesn’t answer..

I thought for sure ts time, things would’ve been different. But like always, noones word means anything to me anymore.

But I blame myself, I should’ve seen it coming…

I’m gonna keep to myself, and stop getting my hopes up.
Cause dreaming and hope means nothing to me now.
I wanna fall asleep and never wake up, cause all I feel right now is pain.

What Do I Need?..

Shamed Silence

“better remain silent, better not even think, if your not prepared to act..” – Annie Besant

Maybe I should just take a hint, maybe learn this quote to heart..

I know what itt is like to want to reach out for someone’s hand when your having a bad day and all you feel is the cold breeze run right through your fingers as if some ghost of the world before you is the only one who is there..
Who understands a appreciates your moments of weakness and take them into consideration over what obscure opinion they may have..

Sometimes.. (like right this moment), when I’m alone with my thoughts and my insecurities all I want is for someone to prove me that all is right with the world and my world is not rapidly falling apart..

This isn’t some overly hormonal BS that everyone claims it is.. I’m a human being just like everyone else.. I have feelings, I get angry, I overreact.. I have expectations and I do get disappointed.. And I deal with it, I handle it on my own.. But sometimes, I just want someone to not disappoint me, to calm me down when I overreact, to squeeze me when I get angry and to exceed the slighest expectation I may have of them.

I may sound selfish, but I really need someone to really be there for me.. Instead of me feeling like I’m the last resort in their life..

Am I doing something wrong, sure feels like it.. I always do the wrong thing I guess..

As my first blog, I have a really heavy heart about my life right now.. Tomorrow may be a better day.. Who knows..