Better Days.. :)

Do you know what this flower is?..

A Tiger Lily..

This is most definitely my favorite flower and it has always been.

Whenever I visualize a tiger lily, no matter the colour, I can’t help but to smile and just be happy. They are so majestic, unconventional and they carry a rare beauty. Who would thing a flower with ‘black heads’ ; lol,  would be considered beautiful..

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and so far, nothing has gotten rid of that smile. I found out that I was accepted into university; which my boyfriend pushed me to do thank god, and all the anxiety and pain I was feeling yesterday just melted away last night. I cannot remember the last time I had been so happy to spend time with my boyfriend.

Not to say I’m not happy when I see him, but I was happy for the fact that despite all the anger and hurt I was going through, his positivity and commitment to our relationship was definitely shining through.

I don’t think that we are not still under the radar, however, since the both of us are willing to work through all the rain and fog that may pass our way, that we will be okay… I will be okay

Tears On My Pillow..

I’m back at this place where I feel totally unimportant..

I cried my self to sleep last night and as I type I am still crying..

I’m trying to be fair, but how can I be fair when I don’t know where I stand?..

For the past two weeks.. I’ve basically been stood up by my own boyfriend, or even forgotten.. And I’m to a point that I don’t know what I’m suppose to do now.
I try, I really do try to sympathize because I know he work 5 days a week; 9-5, and from Friday to Sunday he has his athletic career  to deal with.. But before, he use to make time for me.. Make time for us..

Our phone conversation are not like what they use to be like.. Either we end up arguing about something, or they have to be cut short for some reason either on my end or on his end, and I’m tired. His car has all these different problems with it, and he is tryna to get them fixed so that nothing can hold him back, but everyday, there is a different problem and I can’t always deal with it.

I try to not be disappointed.. I try to not be angry or hurt by it.. But I’m only human.

And then my family is another thing.. Instead of being supportive of my feelings. They make snooty remarks and side comments to make me feel stupid..
And I do feel stupid..They never understand what I’m going through, they always pass judgement when it really isn’t necessary.

I just sit in my room or on my porch and wait for him, to just show up..
I call, and he doesn’t answer..

I thought for sure ts time, things would’ve been different. But like always, noones word means anything to me anymore.

But I blame myself, I should’ve seen it coming…

I’m gonna keep to myself, and stop getting my hopes up.
Cause dreaming and hope means nothing to me now.
I wanna fall asleep and never wake up, cause all I feel right now is pain.

Declaration

Have you ever been in love to the point that you’d just surrender everything to be with this one person for the rest of your life?..

I am, and it kills me everyday that I am apart from the love of my life..

However.. I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is “up”..

But no matter how I try to fish for it, nothing is surfacing and I’m terribly afraid that I’m just placing doubt in my relationship..

And I need to stop before it effect my relationship cause this is all a matter of trust..
If i truly trust my boyfriend to make the best decisions not only for our relationship but for himself also, then why am I so concerned about it failing in the fidelity department?

Because I’m afraid that actions that I have made in the pass will haunt me with the one thing I fear most.. And that is losing him to someone who doesn’t deserve him.

I use to say I don’t deserve Raymond, that I’m not good enough, and also that is so high above me..
But now, I’m gonna believe in myself and my relationship more.
I’m gonna appreciate him and our relationship more.
We deserve each other, despite everything we’ve ever gone through, we deserve each other.

The type of memories him and I have are irreplaceable..

I may not be in the same path or field that he is in, in his life, but this isn’t a matter of compatibility nor is it based on public opinion..
This is about us, and I have seemed to lost sight of that while tryna keep grips of my relationship..

I don’t give him the credit that he honestly deserve because of my insecurities..
But I’m gonna throw all that through the window and be a better lover..

Not just better for him, but better for me also.
I need to just release all the negativity I once had and enjoy my relationship rather than tryna see how tightly I can hold him to make it last.

If I just enjoy my soulmate.. The time won’t matter.

I love you RDME.. ♥

What Do I Need?..

“better remain silent, better not even think, if your not prepared to act..” – Annie Besant

Maybe I should just take a hint, maybe learn this quote to heart..

I know what itt is like to want to reach out for someone’s hand when your having a bad day and all you feel is the cold breeze run right through your fingers as if some ghost of the world before you is the only one who is there..
Who understands a appreciates your moments of weakness and take them into consideration over what obscure opinion they may have..

Sometimes.. (like right this moment), when I’m alone with my thoughts and my insecurities all I want is for someone to prove me that all is right with the world and my world is not rapidly falling apart..

This isn’t some overly hormonal BS that everyone claims it is.. I’m a human being just like everyone else.. I have feelings, I get angry, I overreact.. I have expectations and I do get disappointed.. And I deal with it, I handle it on my own.. But sometimes, I just want someone to not disappoint me, to calm me down when I overreact, to squeeze me when I get angry and to exceed the slighest expectation I may have of them.

I may sound selfish, but I really need someone to really be there for me.. Instead of me feeling like I’m the last resort in their life..

Am I doing something wrong, sure feels like it.. I always do the wrong thing I guess..

As my first blog, I have a really heavy heart about my life right now.. Tomorrow may be a better day.. Who knows..